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2016 Tour de France; Rest Day Redux (alternate title Rule Britannia)

July 11, 2016

img_6432It’s the first rest day of the 2016 Tour de France, and you can bet that the skinny little carb monkeys are happy to have a little extra time to sleep in and paint their nails, as well as allow the bruises of the first nine stages heal up.

Over the course of the opening block of stages, we’ve seen plenty of drama, miscues, success, and tears of joy and pain. The Tour is rarely won in the first week(ish), but it can certainly be lost in the first chunk. And for some, there were wins, and for others there were losses … some bigger than others.

Stage 1
Cav takes the win
And a new yellow skin,
While the big German misses
The podium kisses.
As is the new normal
The crashes were informal,
Contador hit the ground hard-
Dealt a crappy card.
Barriers with feet
Put Markov sliding on his seat.
Welcome to France-
Let’s start the dance.

Stage 2
That kid Peter Sagan,
Took a big win again,
Stealing the golden shirt,
But Cav’s feelings weren’t all that hurt.
Speaking of hurt,
Let’s hear it for Bert-
He slid hard once more,
Poor fella looks sore.
Porte got an untimely flat
Waiting for neutral, he sat.
Now in a hole,
Questions of leadership role.

Stage 3
The Missile is back?
He’s been training for track,
His leg speed is there,
And power to spare.
The sprint was a thrilla,
Just nipping the Gorilla!
Kittel was out of the mix,
But surely he’s hunting a fix.
Sagan gets to stay in yellow,
Surely a happy fellow.

Stage 4
What’s that you said?
Kittel is dead?
In a sprint that was hard,
Kittel vanquished Coquard.
He missed last year’s race,
But he’s back from space
And into teammates embrace.
With “diamond legs” on display
He shined brightest this day.

Stage 5
Big Greg van Avermaet attacked early,
He and de Gendt were so burly
In racking up minutes,
The two were in it to win it.
The GC contenders
Saw the two as pretenders,
Allowing them space,
The two kept up the pace,
And at the end of the day
Our friend GvA
Took a solo win
With a big fat grin.
Now BMC gets to wear yellow,
Likely only with this fellow.

Stage 6
After falling short in the past,
Cavendish has reestablished he’s fast,
The win is his third,
He’s been the best of the herd.
GvA kept the yellow,
He’s an inspired Belgian fellow.
The stage tomorrow
Will fill many legs with sorrow,
Climbing d’Aspin,
It’s gonna hurt, man.

Stage 7
Dimension Data scores once more,
Now with victories galore,
No longer a novelty,
They’ve executed perfectly.
Another Brit wins,
This time it’s Cummings who grins-
Scores the solo victory
And Dimension Data history.
Our Belgian leader joined the attack
To keep the maillot jaune on his back.
Tomorrow will be the day
He’ll hafta give it away,
But to who will it go?
To Froome or perhaps Nairo?
Surely the climbs will decide
Where the yellow will reside.

Stage 8
What the hell happened?
Froome’s gap opened
On the way down,
Movistar acted like clowns!
Top tube pedaling,
Super-tuck meddling,
The gangly beast won alone
And his rivals got owned.
“Let’s just watch him descend,
Surely the gap he can’t defend.”
You brainless buffoons!
Ugly Froome just zoomed
Back into yellow,
Good luck dislodging the fellow.

Stage 9
Tom Dumoilin,
The Giant-Alpecin man,
Used caffeine shampoo
To win solo too!
The big Dutch boy
Brought his country much joy,
Using the Tour as training
For Olympic gold gaining.
He’s proven again
That with a gap, he WILL win.
His joy was so genuine-
Tom, glad you could win you one.
SKY defended the lead,
While Movistar stayed on their knees.

Rest Day 1
Res day!
I need a massage and nap,
More bandages … CRAP!
Eat, drink. Eat, drink.
Feet up, more sleep.
After resting today,
Tomorrow we will pay.

My apologies to poets everywhere … including myself. You can blame my friend Lesli Cohen for the inspiration.




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